WHY DO WE FORCE VICTIMS TO FORGIVE?

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Halloo,

Is it really unhealthy not to forgive someone who wronged you?

Is it really a sin to refuse to forgive someone who perpetrated great evil against you?

Is there something with someone who refused to let their abuser off the hook?

Coming from a very religious background and a society like Nigeria, I am expected to agree and preach the importance of forgiveness. I am going to disappoint a lot of people by saying I do not agree.

There is nothing wrong with you if you choose not to forgive someone who perpetrated great evil against you. Yes, I said it!!!

Before I give a full explanation of my stand let me quickly point out that forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Both the victim and the perpetrator benefit from genuine straight-from-heart forgiveness. I have no doubt in my mind that real forgiveness is freeing.

Recently a common theme seems to be showing up a lot and I am annoyed at people’s reactions and opinions on this. Especially my fellow Nigerians. I am talking about coercing forgiveness by all means from victims for their perpetrators.

It is all well and good if we are talking about someone misplacing your important documents, didn’t pay the money owed, missing arranged appointments, damaging your car, or forgetting to call you on your birthday. These are minor acts that are easy to let go of and forgive completely.

Some acts are so major they caused great trauma in the victim’s life. I am talking about life-changing acts like murder, rape, extreme cyberbullying, revenge porn, lying, domestic abuse, exploitation, and slander. Just to name a few.

These are life-changing acts and instead of letting the victims heal in peace, we start pestering them to forgive at all costs. This is not healthy. Let the person decide if and when they are ready to forgive.

I know most of you insisting on forgiveness means well but take a walk in the victims’ shoes. Try to imagine what their lives are like after these incidents. How are they coping? Just imagine the psychological toll on these people.

It is always a sad thing for me when I see or hear statements like these: “You must forgive”, “You have to forgive”, “Forgiveness will heal you”, “It is the work of the devil”, “It is a spiritual problem”, “It is nothing new” “Let it go, you have had your say”, “Let God judge”, “Be the bigger person”, “To err is human, to forgive is divine”, and “God forgive us when we sin, so why can’t you”

I could go on and on about some of the callous utterances that come from people who should know better.

It is a common occurrence nowadays for someone to go online, sometimes offline too, and badmouth another person, telling complete lies so with so much conviction. These people will place unfounded allegations against someone, lie about them, destroy their characters, and so many atrocities. Just to make a name for themselves or because of some personal vendetta against their victims.

Then they will have a wake-up call and start asking for forgiveness and claiming they didn’t know why they said all the things in the first place, or it is the work of the devil. I mean how sad is that? And most Nigerians will start demanding and insisting the person be forgiven. This is bullying!

This stupidity is not limited to young people or illiterates, we see some adults and professionals doing this. People old enough and experienced enough to know they have to do their findings before jumping out to open their mouths. But to my amazement, old people and learned people seem to be the more guilty of this. Everyone wants to trend on social media, whoever is destroyed in the process is just expected to forgive and forget.

Some victims are so harassed by the sheer force of a lot of people demanding forgiveness from them and end up agreeing just so they can be left alone. Can we call that forgiveness? I don’t think so. The mental health implications of all these are lost on most of us.

This is even more common in religious culture. We are made to think that not forgiving is a sin. Most people think that traumas disappear just by wishing and praying. It is not so, trauma is dealt with in stages.

That is why some victims are so filled with internal rage. They are not allowed to grieve and process their feelings in peace. Most victims who faced this type of demand end up depressed, some exhibiting dangerous behaviors like doing drugs, heavy drinking, and even prostitution. This is all our fault whether you accept my view or not.

Forgiveness is not the only way to heal. As strange as it may sound but not forgiving their perpetrators is what is keeping some victims sane.

The thing is that we spent too much energy on extracting forgiveness from victims and not enough on getting perpetrators to change. Let perpetrators show they have changed and forgiveness might be easier.

I feel like we don’t take these victims’ experiences very seriously until it happens to us or someone close to us. These things are not something to joke about or make a mockery of. Lives are being ruined, marriages destroyed, family alienated. It may be nothing to you but a huge deal to someone else. let’s be aware of these things when we are insisting that victims should let someone who hurt them off the hook.

We need to change this. We are letting vulnerable people down and endorsing bad behaviours with the easy ways we sweep great atrocities under the carpet in the name of forgiveness.

The justice system doesn’t do enough in my opinion but at least it is better than nothing. But because of our so-called holy-holy attitude, we robbed victims of even these watery punishments by insisting on forgiveness.

Don’t get me wrong- it is beautiful to forgive those who wronged you. It is not just for the guilty party but also for the victim too. Forgiveness gives you the chance to move on and not let someone occupy space unnecessarily in your head.

But it is annoying when we try to force victims to forgive the guilty party. I see people demanding and authorizing victims to forgive by all means. This is bullying!

Let victims decide if they want to forgive or not. Let them decide on when they want to forgive. Not because you say so and think they should do so.

Healing is a process, and we all heal differently. When someone commits an atrocity against us, it affects us differently. Some may move through the effects quickly, while some people may need more time to accept the situation.

But what do we do as a society? We coerced forgiveness by all means from someone who is not ready yet to let go or forgive, instead of letting the person forgive when they are ready if they are ever ready anyway.

Coerced forgiveness is no forgiveness.

We have turned some people’s lives into hell by forcing them to forgive when they are not ready to. Some people will go on and on about things they have never experienced or understood just to coerce forgiveness. Why are we doing this?

A rape victim being forced to forgive her molester is wrong. Marriages are destroyed because of some people tell great lies. Friendship is ruined because of fabricated stories.

Someone who woke up and decided to write complete lies about another person for whatever reason known to them should not just get away with it. Family life is ruined by false scandal. We slander and destroy people’s names and images just for the fun of it. And suddenly forgiveness must be obtained by all means?

How about we think before we do something? Open your brain before you open your mouth. It is very simple. Just imagine what this action you are about to carry out will do to the recipient. Will you be happy if it’s done to you? It will save you a lot of future embarrassment and also protect the victims from hurt.

People’s life gets ruined and sometimes irreparable. The perpetrator wants forgiveness and we want the victim to do this, by all means, let’s be real. It is not our call to force victims to forgive. The victim is the only person who knows the damages this action has cost them and they will be the one to decide if and when they are ready to forgive.

Some of these perpetrators are not even sorry and keep doing the same things over and over again. How does forgiveness work here? Do you forgive them on daily basis?

Some people even go as far as to blame the victims. Where they should get support and advice. Victim blaming is the reason some people will rather suffer in silence.

Yes, preach forgiveness if you want, but don’t make it personal. Speak generally on the beauty of forgiveness. Stay away from calling a particular person out to forgive. It is bad and it is bullying.

Forgiveness is freeing but needs to be done at the right time. Let’s not say because forgiveness is a good thing we should demand it by all means from victims and end up creating more trauma for them.

Stay with me,

Ruka

About Post Author

Ruka

My name is Ruka. Born and bred in Nigeria. Now living in Ireland. I am a Woman, Feminist, Wife, Mother, Muslim, Black, and African. I am an Entrepreneur who also works in Finance Administration. I am a Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Warrior. I love writing and hope to make a name for myself doing it.

rukaganiyu5@gmail.com

https://www.rukasplace.com

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